Dead ends…………..

2007-10-14T10:53:00.000-07:00

Everywhere I look seems to be a dead end to me. There’s nothing calling out to me that exerts such a tug on my heart strings telling me to go this way or that. Just bits and pieces of many interests. That’s why it’s so painful to even begin thinking about where to do from here, that I’ll simply end up where I started,back at square one.

Many people would simply give up, blow out the candle and curse the darkness and all that. But that blank slate inside my head is telling me to push on. Maybe it’s my upbringing as a Lutheran; the daily repentance and all that…….self-flagellation being part of my skill-set.

Many others would feel the need to go to grad school, chasing an MBA or whatnot. They’re bound and convinced that more paper would get them the good life. More book-learning would be the way to go. Even Richard Bolles disagrees with that notion. In years past when a Master’s degree was a comparatively rare commodity that would be the case. People out of grad school could almost name their price. Heck, there was a time when any education beyond high school was a ticket to the good life. But that’s not the case anymore where it’s not uncommon to see people running around with two Master’s degrees. The hay-day of simply graduating from college with a BA or MBA and getting a decent job are over; that is unless you happen to guess right and are in the right engineering discipline or the hottest new technology, can hack it through Nursing School, or be in the lucky minority who actually gains employment in the area of their education. Well, none of that is me. Period, end of statement.

What’s so agrrivating is the fact that Polysomnography is one of the hottest medical fields there is out it’s very difficult to find jobs out there that are not staff positions working nights and dealing with patients. I’ve been there, done that longer than most people I know. If you cannot help some facility churn patients in and out no one wants to talk to you. The interviews I have been on have been either being a lab’s hatchet-man as it were. Someone made a huge mistake hiring a staff member, maybe even a coordinator, and now they want me to come in and clean up their mess. No thank you. You screwed up, you fix it. Either that, or even if the position is for a manager, the first question out of their mouths is,”Well, how long has it been since you worked nights?” Excuse me? What the !@#!#@ does that have to do with the price of beans in Albania?

The nice jobs never came to me. No Dr. ever came to me wanting to use my expertise to help him/her open a lab. I hear of a new place opening and wonder why didn’t I find out about it? I’ve been on the outside of the information grapevine from day 1. Recruiters and DME’s are really the only source of information I have. It’s like dating to me. I’ve never been privy to the inside gossip of whose dating whom or the drama soap opera stories going on behind the scenes. Same with work.

I see people with very little experience or background being given jobs with authority, people fresh out of EEG school or who have just enough experience under their belt to go after their RPSGT. They haven’t paid their dues. Get back to me in 5-6 years and then we’ll talk. Bust your ass working nights for awhile.

First post………At my wit’s end……..

2007-10-14T10:49:00.000-07:00

I am at a loss. I work as a Sleep Technologist, having done so for nearly 25 years. Polysomnographic Technologist is the proper term for someone working in this field. I say field because I truly don’t know if I’ll be doing this long enough for this part of medicine to be an actual profession. But that’s another discussion entirely.

I’ve racked my brain wondering what my next move should be. I’ve had this feeling of needing to move on since forever. It’s a feeling in the pit of my stomach (and no it’s not heartburn) that this is not my destination in life. But the indications, the signs and signals of where to go from this point on have been maddenly subtle at best.

I’ve not had a friend or teacher who took me aside and said I should be doing this or that. I envy those who’ve had that kind of direction in life. Others have told me it’s like they’ve always known what they wanted to do in life. I don’t know whether to be jealous or angry that I never had that feeling. Actually with me it was both emotions, with more than a little depression as a result.

This feeling of helplessness, of wasting years in a life not meant for me did a number on me. I medicated myself with food. As a result I gained over 100 pounds. It’s going to come off, Lap-band surgery or not. Actually that’s what it will be. To me it’s a sign of welcome changes to come. I am now on my way to be legally single again. Even though I’m overweight I am stronger than I’ve ever been, getting regular exercise. I also finished a BA degree about 5 years ago after nearly 20 years out of school.

Looking back on it now, even in my darkest moments I still pushed on. I could’ve been like so many others and just given up. But I didn’t. And I’m sure as hell not going to now. The world would’ve been perfectly content to have an uneducated, soft-spoken introvert scrub toilets or clean up shitty bed for the rest of my life. But I knew that wasn’t for me. Even though I didn’t have people telling me how wonderful I was I still knew there was much more in life for me. There still is.

Journey From the Darkness

Dead ends…………..

First post………At my wit’s end……..