I’ve racked my brain wondering what my next move should be. I’ve had this feeling of needing to move on since forever. It’s a feeling in the pit of my stomach (and no it’s not heartburn) that this is not my destination in life. But the indications, the signs and signals of where to go from this point on have been maddenly subtle at best.
I’ve not had a friend or teacher who took me aside and said I should be doing this or that. I envy those who’ve had that kind of direction in life. Others have told me it’s like they’ve always known what they wanted to do in life. I don’t know whether to be jealous or angry that I never had that feeling. Actually with me it was both emotions, with more than a little depression as a result.
This feeling of helplessness, of wasting years in a life not meant for me did a number on me. I medicated myself with food. As a result I gained over 100 pounds. It’s going to come off, Lap-band surgery or not. Actually that’s what it will be. To me it’s a sign of welcome changes to come. I am now on my way to be legally single again. Even though I’m overweight I am stronger than I’ve ever been, getting regular exercise. I also finished a BA degree about 5 years ago after nearly 20 years out of school.
Looking back on it now, even in my darkest moments I still pushed on. I could’ve been like so many others and just given up. But I didn’t. And I’m sure as hell not going to now. The world would’ve been perfectly content to have an uneducated, soft-spoken introvert scrub toilets or clean up shitty bed for the rest of my life. But I knew that wasn’t for me. Even though I didn’t have people telling me how wonderful I was I still knew there was much more in life for me. There still is.
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